The Steam Room

Thoughts on BDSM Romance from a Reader's Perspective

          I have a love/hate relationship with the BDSM erotic romance genre.  As an avowed romantic I must have my “happily ever after”, or at least a reasonable shot at one.  I stumbled onto the BDSM genre about a year ago after wading into erotic romance. After reading many Regency romances, I was clearly ready for a change.  I've loved reading about strong men, (somewhat) tamed by strong women ever since being introduced  to Mr. Darcy in the eighth grade (sigh...).

          I've no personal experience with BDSM, but have enjoyed reading about the lifestyle in both fiction and nonfiction venues.  It is interesting to me both psychologically and erotically (ie. It's hot!) The following will assume that Doms are male and subs female, as that is my general reading preference.

          What I love about BDSM erotic romance is a strong  Dom who focuses completely on his partner, knows his way around her body and how to give her the “best orgasm she's ever had”.  As much as I know I'm reading fantasy, it is very compelling to have an experienced partner who loves women and has devoted much of his adult life to learning how to give pleasure.  Also, for a “control freak” like me, it would be lovely to give up control, let go, and to just feel without all the background noise usually in my head.  I enjoy reading about relationships that develop as two people grow and learn about themselves and each other.  BDSM often adds spice to this type of story as it encourages partners to communicate honestly with each other and explore a deeper sexuality.

          What makes or breaks many romances is how believable the relationship between hero and heroine, or whether the reader even cares about the people involved.  This obviously varies from reader to reader, but in several novels the BDSM aspect has negatively impacted my “buying into” the relationship. This is what I “hate”about the genre. In BDSM romances, although the Dom comes off as knowledgeable about and focused on his partner's pleasure, he all too often comes off as too cold and overly controlled.  The protocol of BDSM if strictly followed often leave both hero and heroine with very little personality.  What's left is just a “dominant” and a “submissive”.  The BDSM aspect can easily overpower the romance. I have particular difficulty understanding the role of punishment in BDSM, so will focus on that area in the following examples.

          A common theme in BDSM romances is an experienced Dom initiating/training an inexperienced sub into the lifestyle. Often the heroine fights her submissive tendencies as shameful but our hero is determined to show her she is a natural or “true” submissive.  In one of my favorite books the heroine is going undercover into a BDSM club as a trainee sub in order to help solve the kidnappings and abuse of “smart mouth” submissives.  She has some experience in the lifestyle, but not much.  Although she experiences many punishments during her training, both painful and humiliating, the Dom trainer (our hero) continually attempts to understand her needs and respect her limits by insisting on communication and honesty.  He, of course, doesn't understand why she doesn't change her behavior or use her safe word, not knowing that she isn't able to.  The entire set up is one that makes real communication impossible, yet the trainer never punishes her in anger nor does he belittle her while she is punished. Their growing relationship is understandable as she trusts him to keep her emotionally and physically safe (within the confines of the training situation anyway), even as he pushes her to learn about her submissive needs. When our hero discovers what is going on, he feels very badly about punishing her so strongly (after the requisite anger over being “lied to”) and he apologizes for something that really wasn't his fault. In no way does his apology diminish his dominance, it simply makes him more human and more lovable.  This relationship develops because both partners are willing to admit to mistakes, not just one.

          Novels by necessity condense relationships into often unrealistically short time periods, and BDSM relationships in particular take an enormous amount time for trust to develop. In many stories, including the example above, it is made clear that the Dom's role is to push the sub's comfort zone. Her behavior has been limited by the expectations of society and/or family, her true nature lost under a pile of “shoulds”. This type of awakening makes for a satisfying story. However, it is such a fine line between pushing boundaries and demolishing them with excessive force.  Quite often it is simply too much too soon.

          In another story, with a similar set up, two Doms take a woman undercover in an erotic club. They are experienced, she is not, but she is determined to prove she can take whatever they dish out.  One of the Doms is considered a sadist who enjoys giving pleasurable pain and is determined to prove that she is a masochist. Our heroine does have a tendency to mouth off when she is stressed and, in this instance, it becomes a vicious cycle of her stress causing further punishment causing further stress. (Got that? :-) )  She was punished for every negative look or sound made, in one case I couldn't figure out why she was punished.  I guess just because he felt like it. His punishments pushed her pain tolerance to the point of tears, but because she is “wet” he continues to up the pain and humiliation in punishing her.  The other Dom enjoys watching her being punished.  I really had trouble with this relationship.  Of course she falls in love with both our heroes – it's a romance! - yet it is continually stressed that she butts heads with the sadistic Dom and the “gentle” one never sticks upfor her.  So why does she love them when she is consistently out voted instead of protected? 

          Trust is stressed as a huge factor in developing BDSM relationships.  How can a person build trust in a relationship when she isn't able to voice any opinions?   When she pleads with them to not punish her in a particularly humiliating way, it is pointed out that she can always refuse, or safe word out of, a punishment. The situation makes it virtually impossible for her to use her safe word, and in this case the Doms knew that. (Another area of difficulty for me –how is it a “safe” word when using it stops not just the scene, but the entire relationship?).  Some punishment was necessary to fit into the scene at the club, but many seemed just plain mean.  Particularly aggravating for me were scenes where the sub was set up to fail and thus earned a punishment. If it is “funishment” that makes sense, but in this case it clearly was not. When a Dom commands that a sub not orgasm it strikes me as underhanded and unfair t ostimulate her to orgasm.  Then, to really top it off, to laugh when she fails. I can't imagine trusting someone who would do this to me.  That isn't training, it's abuse that reminds me of schoolyard bullies. 

          Punishment seems to provide stability for many subs in the stories I read.  They can rely on the limits and rules set by the Dom, as well as clear the air after a mistake is made. Yes, our heroine had to learn to respect her Doms, but she was learning (and this was part of the cover story). Also her sassy personality was something the guys were attracted to. I've read more than one BDSM romance where it seems the Dom(s) are attempting to erase all personality in the sub.  So do they love her, or only her submission? In some books punishment is part of the game and enjoyable to both the Dom and sub. Had the above story indicated that the heroine really enjoyed the punishments it would have made the love relationship much more believable.  I also admit that punishment scenes are often spicy and add fun to the story.  My question is whether it aids or destroys believability in the romance.

          I would have loved seeing these Doms apologize – grovel a bit really - for the excessive pain and humiliation. Instead the heroine did all the apologizing and compromising in the relationship, coming off as a confused doormat. By never apologizing or admitting to vulnerability of any kind (even in their own thoughts) Dom(s) often come across as abusive jerks, not at all  lovable. This must be a very difficult line for a writer in this genre, but some compromise is needed in virtually all relationships. So writers, how about a little more groveling on the part of the Dom?  Even Mr. Darcy had to grovel a bit to get Elizabeth (of course so did she, and thus my point).

From Michele: Becca is a fan of BDSM novels. I met her when she wrote to me asking questions about Two Master for Samantha. She made me really think about some things I took for granted, and when I invited her to write this blog post, she graciously agreed.