The Steam Room

I got a bad haircut this week. The moment I walked in the door, I had a forbidding feeling. Ignoring it, or chalking it up to the fact I was in a new place, I forged ahead. I had picked up one of my twins and we had an hour to kill before chess club ended and I could pick up the other one. And I really, really needed a trim. So did my little girl, who rivaled me for longest hair. (Now she wins that contest.)

The woman behind the counter saw us walk in. Her gazedropped to the computer monitor. Instead of greeting us--what happened to "Hi. Welcome to Really Good Fred's. How can we help you today?"--she said, "Phone number?"

Let me tell you something. I hate giving out my phone number. I engaged the services of TruGreen last year. Nothing spectacular happened to my lawn, so I dropped them this year. They've been stalking me, calling my cell at the most inopportune times, like the middle of a test I'm giving to 34 seventh graders. They won't take no for an answer, even after I threatened to report them for stalking. On the plus side, the heroine in my WIP picked up a stalker. So thanks (?) TruGreen. Anyway, I still hate giving out my number.

I chose the salon because it was close to my daughters' school.For the past ten years, I've been going to Supercuts. Because we moved away from that area, getting back there isn't so convenient. I've had nothing but great haircuts from there, and they fit my budget.

After that 21st Century greeting (what happened to eye contact?) things went downhill. I have very thick, curly hair. I have to lift and separate to get it wet in the shower with the water going full blast. First, she brushed it with a brush you should never use on curly hair. Then she sprayed it down in five squirts, wetting the top layer. I asked for a trim. I was willing to lose an inch or two. As I said, it's curly hair. User-friendly. Forgiving of mistakes. You have to work hard to screw it up.

She kept all my hair behind my shoulders. It falls--fell--halfway down my back, even with the curls. She regaled me with a tale of about she wasn't addicted to cigarettes because a pack lasts her a whole week, sometimes a week and a half. I didn't have to add to the conversation because I was just an audience for her monologue. That didn't bother me because I wasn't in the mood for conversation. I'd just spent the day reading chapter 9 of The Lightning Thief out loud to four different classes. So I listened.

I became concerned when she said, "Your hair is a half inch longer on this side. Whoever cut it last time didn't do a good job." I thought, "You were the last person with scissors near my head." My eyes darted around, looking in the mirror at my daughter, who was faring little better than I, and then for an escape. That's when I saw it. Her name.

It turns out she's a former student. I remember her well.She'd regularly blathered on about various topics that had nothing to do with the question you asked, smiling all the while. She was a genuinely nice kid, kind of ditzy, and she turned into a genuinely nice adult, still ditzy. Her work was sloppy and rushed. It's been over a decade, and I realized absolutely nothing had changed about her. Sure she was a little taller and she'd grown up, but that happens to us all.

I said nothing about our acquaintance. There was a good chance she didn't remember me. We didn't have a bad relationship, but we weren't particularly close. With 164 students in a typical year, I can't get close to them all. Heck, I'm not sure I can remember them all. It doesn't hel pthat I suck with names.

I told her to skip my bangs. Thank goodness I'd already trimmed them myself. And then we got out of there as fast as we could. (Ten minutes after walking through the front door.) When I got home, I realized she'd chopped off close to four inches. It doesn't fall far past my shoulders now. And the left side is an inch longer than the right side.

Supercuts, I'm so sorry. You are totally worth the drive. See you Saturday. (Daughter, too.) Please fix our hair.

It's All Relative

Hi folks! I'm DC Juris, and I'll be the guest blogger today. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a transgender guy who writes GLBTQ and heterosexual romance - contemporary and fantasy.

Today, I want to talk about a tricky subject: family relations.

Anybody who knows me knows I grew up in a difficult situation. My mother was a codependent hoarder with manic depression and delusions. My father was a physically, mentally, and sexually abusive alcoholic. I had brothers and sisters, but they were all grown and didn't live with us. The rest of my extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins - frequently turned a blind eye to the way we lived.

Suffice it to say that, once I was old enough, I got out on my own as soon as I could. In fact, I moved 1,200 miles away. Part of me felt guilty, though, for leaving my mother behind in a bad situation. So in 2003, against the advice of just about everyone who knew me, I moved my mother up to NY State to live near us.

I shouldn't have. I really, really shouldn't have. Things between her and I went from bad to worse. She had me convinced, for a while, that the reason she was still abusive toward me and unhappy in general was because she didn't like where she was living. So, my husband and I talked, and we moved her in with us. Before we did so, we had a long talk with her about setting ground rules. She was going to be in what had originally been a separate little apartment, so it had a sink and a stove, but we wanted a level of control over what she brought into the house (remember - she's a hoarder) so we'd be sharing the main kitchen in the house. She assured me that she would stick to the rules - that she wanted to.

But, after a while, a coffee pot showed up back there. Then she started keeping some food in the cabinets. Then the stove - which we'd unplugged - got plugged in. And then she bought a microwave. All during this, we kept talking to her about the rules she agreed to, about how she said she wanted to participate in our lives but wasn't holding up her end of the bargain. I ended up blurting out one day "You need to move out." Yeah. Tact…is not often my friend.

I thought that, away from my father and the life that made her unhappy, she'd be a different person. I thought that, given the chance to have a relationship and enjoy a life with me and her grandkids, she'd be a different person. I learned that she is who she is, and no situation changes that.

It's not just my family, though. I'm not my husband's family's favorite person. His mother has issues with me because of how I raised our kids. She doesn't like that I held our kids to high standards, and didn't let them get away with things. I'm not talking about some unreachable standards - I expected them to do their homework, keep their rooms clean, help out around the house, and keep up their personal hygiene. That's really about it. To this day, I will look at our youngest (who is moved out living on his own now) and ask him if he has brushed his teeth lately. I mean, seriously - you can tell he hasn't. Why should he slack off like that? And why should anyone let him? She takes offense that I point these things out. ::shrugs:: Everyone has their ways.

I guess the biggest difference between my family members and myself is that I live in the now - in the present. I'm firmly planted in the here and now. I can't change what happened - I can't go back and fix yesterday. I can only make tomorrow better. Most of my family members live in the past. They're very much caught up in what happened years and years ago, or how they wish their lives had been. It's impossible to hold a conversation with my mother without her going off on a tangent about my childhood, her childhood, etc. etc. There are no fun little chats. There's no "So, Danny, how's the writing going?" or "I saw this great documentary on hyenas the other day…" Even when I try to start out that way, it's just more of the same. It's tedious and exhausting and unpleasant.

What's more, every time we do talk, which is rare, she always ends up back at the same thing: she wants me to tell I think she did her best by me growing up. Well, I don't think that, so I won't say it. I don't believe in lying to people to placate their sense of self worth. Speaking of that…someone noticed the other day that, when I hung up from a call with my mother, I didn't say, "I love you." They asked me why, and I said, "Um…because I don't." They dissolved into a long rant about how I should be glad to still have my mother, that their mother had died, etc. When they were done, I simply shrugged and said, "Your life with your mother was different than mine. If it hadn't been, you'd feel the same way."

My sister clings to her sense of family. She visits her father, even though her father was pretty much the same as mine (mom knew how to pick 'em). She still talks to and visits with our dysfunctional brothers. Every time, she ends up either feeling depressed or in some kind of insane argument. I don't see the point. Family is definitely important, don't get me wrong. But not at the sake of my own sanity. I've cut myself off from toxic people, and I'm not ashamed of that.

https://www.nobleromance.com/Books/271/No-Place-Like-Home" target="_blank">https://www.nobleromance.com/Books/271/No-Place-Like-Home

Maybe this is why so many of my characters have issues with their families? Take Calliph from "No Place Like Home," for instance. Bad blood between him and his brother (same with me and most of my siblings), his father is dead but wasn't a peach when he'd been alive (same here) and his mother is pretty much toasted mentally (same here). The one big difference is that Calliph still feels an obligation to his family, whereas I don't. But maybe that's why he's the way he is. Maybe he's a manifestation of what I feel I should be. I feel like I should feel some sort of obligation, but I don't feel any at all. I worry for what that means about me.

MY LINKS:

www.dcjuris.com

www.facebook.com/dcjuris

www.twitter.com/dcjuris

http://dcjuris.blogspot.com/

Thoughts on BDSM Romance from a Reader's Perspective

          I have a love/hate relationship with the BDSM erotic romance genre.  As an avowed romantic I must have my “happily ever after”, or at least a reasonable shot at one.  I stumbled onto the BDSM genre about a year ago after wading into erotic romance. After reading many Regency romances, I was clearly ready for a change.  I've loved reading about strong men, (somewhat) tamed by strong women ever since being introduced  to Mr. Darcy in the eighth grade (sigh...).

          I've no personal experience with BDSM, but have enjoyed reading about the lifestyle in both fiction and nonfiction venues.  It is interesting to me both psychologically and erotically (ie. It's hot!) The following will assume that Doms are male and subs female, as that is my general reading preference.

          What I love about BDSM erotic romance is a strong  Dom who focuses completely on his partner, knows his way around her body and how to give her the “best orgasm she's ever had”.  As much as I know I'm reading fantasy, it is very compelling to have an experienced partner who loves women and has devoted much of his adult life to learning how to give pleasure.  Also, for a “control freak” like me, it would be lovely to give up control, let go, and to just feel without all the background noise usually in my head.  I enjoy reading about relationships that develop as two people grow and learn about themselves and each other.  BDSM often adds spice to this type of story as it encourages partners to communicate honestly with each other and explore a deeper sexuality.

          What makes or breaks many romances is how believable the relationship between hero and heroine, or whether the reader even cares about the people involved.  This obviously varies from reader to reader, but in several novels the BDSM aspect has negatively impacted my “buying into” the relationship. This is what I “hate”about the genre. In BDSM romances, although the Dom comes off as knowledgeable about and focused on his partner's pleasure, he all too often comes off as too cold and overly controlled.  The protocol of BDSM if strictly followed often leave both hero and heroine with very little personality.  What's left is just a “dominant” and a “submissive”.  The BDSM aspect can easily overpower the romance. I have particular difficulty understanding the role of punishment in BDSM, so will focus on that area in the following examples.

          A common theme in BDSM romances is an experienced Dom initiating/training an inexperienced sub into the lifestyle. Often the heroine fights her submissive tendencies as shameful but our hero is determined to show her she is a natural or “true” submissive.  In one of my favorite books the heroine is going undercover into a BDSM club as a trainee sub in order to help solve the kidnappings and abuse of “smart mouth” submissives.  She has some experience in the lifestyle, but not much.  Although she experiences many punishments during her training, both painful and humiliating, the Dom trainer (our hero) continually attempts to understand her needs and respect her limits by insisting on communication and honesty.  He, of course, doesn't understand why she doesn't change her behavior or use her safe word, not knowing that she isn't able to.  The entire set up is one that makes real communication impossible, yet the trainer never punishes her in anger nor does he belittle her while she is punished. Their growing relationship is understandable as she trusts him to keep her emotionally and physically safe (within the confines of the training situation anyway), even as he pushes her to learn about her submissive needs. When our hero discovers what is going on, he feels very badly about punishing her so strongly (after the requisite anger over being “lied to”) and he apologizes for something that really wasn't his fault. In no way does his apology diminish his dominance, it simply makes him more human and more lovable.  This relationship develops because both partners are willing to admit to mistakes, not just one.

          Novels by necessity condense relationships into often unrealistically short time periods, and BDSM relationships in particular take an enormous amount time for trust to develop. In many stories, including the example above, it is made clear that the Dom's role is to push the sub's comfort zone. Her behavior has been limited by the expectations of society and/or family, her true nature lost under a pile of “shoulds”. This type of awakening makes for a satisfying story. However, it is such a fine line between pushing boundaries and demolishing them with excessive force.  Quite often it is simply too much too soon.

          In another story, with a similar set up, two Doms take a woman undercover in an erotic club. They are experienced, she is not, but she is determined to prove she can take whatever they dish out.  One of the Doms is considered a sadist who enjoys giving pleasurable pain and is determined to prove that she is a masochist. Our heroine does have a tendency to mouth off when she is stressed and, in this instance, it becomes a vicious cycle of her stress causing further punishment causing further stress. (Got that? :-) )  She was punished for every negative look or sound made, in one case I couldn't figure out why she was punished.  I guess just because he felt like it. His punishments pushed her pain tolerance to the point of tears, but because she is “wet” he continues to up the pain and humiliation in punishing her.  The other Dom enjoys watching her being punished.  I really had trouble with this relationship.  Of course she falls in love with both our heroes – it's a romance! - yet it is continually stressed that she butts heads with the sadistic Dom and the “gentle” one never sticks upfor her.  So why does she love them when she is consistently out voted instead of protected? 

          Trust is stressed as a huge factor in developing BDSM relationships.  How can a person build trust in a relationship when she isn't able to voice any opinions?   When she pleads with them to not punish her in a particularly humiliating way, it is pointed out that she can always refuse, or safe word out of, a punishment. The situation makes it virtually impossible for her to use her safe word, and in this case the Doms knew that. (Another area of difficulty for me –how is it a “safe” word when using it stops not just the scene, but the entire relationship?).  Some punishment was necessary to fit into the scene at the club, but many seemed just plain mean.  Particularly aggravating for me were scenes where the sub was set up to fail and thus earned a punishment. If it is “funishment” that makes sense, but in this case it clearly was not. When a Dom commands that a sub not orgasm it strikes me as underhanded and unfair t ostimulate her to orgasm.  Then, to really top it off, to laugh when she fails. I can't imagine trusting someone who would do this to me.  That isn't training, it's abuse that reminds me of schoolyard bullies. 

          Punishment seems to provide stability for many subs in the stories I read.  They can rely on the limits and rules set by the Dom, as well as clear the air after a mistake is made. Yes, our heroine had to learn to respect her Doms, but she was learning (and this was part of the cover story). Also her sassy personality was something the guys were attracted to. I've read more than one BDSM romance where it seems the Dom(s) are attempting to erase all personality in the sub.  So do they love her, or only her submission? In some books punishment is part of the game and enjoyable to both the Dom and sub. Had the above story indicated that the heroine really enjoyed the punishments it would have made the love relationship much more believable.  I also admit that punishment scenes are often spicy and add fun to the story.  My question is whether it aids or destroys believability in the romance.

          I would have loved seeing these Doms apologize – grovel a bit really - for the excessive pain and humiliation. Instead the heroine did all the apologizing and compromising in the relationship, coming off as a confused doormat. By never apologizing or admitting to vulnerability of any kind (even in their own thoughts) Dom(s) often come across as abusive jerks, not at all  lovable. This must be a very difficult line for a writer in this genre, but some compromise is needed in virtually all relationships. So writers, how about a little more groveling on the part of the Dom?  Even Mr. Darcy had to grovel a bit to get Elizabeth (of course so did she, and thus my point).

From Michele: Becca is a fan of BDSM novels. I met her when she wrote to me asking questions about Two Master for Samantha. She made me really think about some things I took for granted, and when I invited her to write this blog post, she graciously agreed.

Food Addiction

The Steam Room welcomes Shelly Bell, a fellow Michigan romance author, who is here to talk about her new release, A Year to Remember, and her struggle with compulsive overeating.

In my debut book, A Year to Remember, the protagonist, Sara Friedman, suffers from the disease of compulsive overeating. It affects every aspect of her life, both professionally and personally, although she refuses to see it. Compulsive overeating is not about willpower. It’s not about vanity. It is merely a symptom of the disease of addiction. It takes different forms:

• obsession with body weight, size and shape
• eating binges or grazing
• preoccupation with reducing diets
• starving
• laxative or diuretic abuse
• excessive exercise
• inducing vomiting after eating
• chewing and spitting out food
• use of diet pills, shots and other medical interventions to control weightin
• ability to stop eating certain foods after taking the first bite
• fantasies about food
• vulnerability to quick-weight-loss schemes
• constant preoccupation with food
• using food as a reward or comfort 

Not every obese person suffers from the disease. In fact, many people who maintain a healthy weight may still suffer, only they are able to hide it. Losing weight doesn’t cure the disease and that’s why diets don’t work for everyone. Until the individual deals with the addiction, he or she will continue to suffer.

Since 1960, Overeaters Anonymous has provided support to those with the addiction. Based on the Twelve Steps, it is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). In fact, those in OA use the Big Book, which is actually an AA book. The steps and the principles are the same. OA is not a diet, although the average person loses forty-five pounds.  Attending meetings o fOA and practicing its principles in all your affairs results in many positive changes including daily functioning, relationships, physical health, mental health, and spiritual connection. If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, you may have a food addiction.

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
   
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
   
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
   
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
   
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
   
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
   
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
   
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
   
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
   
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
    
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
    
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
    
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
    
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
    
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Before I joined OA two years ago, I answered “yes” to all fifteen questions. Not anymore. I’m free from the compulsion, although I still have days when that voice in my head telling me to overeat won’t shut up. Luckily, writing has helped me quiet it. For more information on compulsive overeating, visit www.oa.org.

If you want to contact me with questions, you can contact me at shelly@shellybellbooks.com. My website is www.shellybellbooks.com.

Blurb

When her younger brother marries on her twenty-ninth birthday, food addict Sara Friedman drunkenly vows to three hundred wedding guests to find and marry her soul mate within the year. After her humiliating toast becomes a YouTube sensation, she permits a national morning show to chronicle her search. With the help of best friend Missy, she plunges head first into the shallow end of the dating pool. Her journey leads her to question the true meaning of soul mates, as she decides between fulfilling her vow to marry before her thirtieth birthday and following her heart’s desire. But before she can make the biggest decision of her life, Sara must begin to take her first steps towards recovery from her addiction to food.

Excerpt

Plunged into darkness as the door closed behind me, I couldn’t find the light switch. I hit my knee against a chair and groaned from the pain.The door opened and someone entered the room. I assumed it was Missy coming to rescue me once again.

“I can’t find the light switch, Missy. Do you know where it is?”

Without warning, someone yanked me tightly against his warm, solid body. I heard his slight intake of breath and then he kissed me .I know I should have fought against it, but whoever he was, he kissed sinfully well. At first, his soft lips whispered lightly against my own, seeking permission. When not only didn’t I stop him, but made a little moan of approval, his tongue caressed my lips until I opened my mouth. Only then did he allow his tongue to touch mine, first tentatively exploring the hidden depths of my mouth, and then hard and passionately, as though he’d never get enough of me.

He tasted like a heavenly combination of whiskey and cake. His tongue teased mine in sweet caresses, heating my blood to a fevered pitch. Desperately needing to learn the identity of my mystery man, I lifted my hand to touch his face. He grabbed it away, nibbling on each fingertip then gently brushed his fingers across my cheek. I licked my lips in preparation of more kisses, but instead of kissing me, he spun me around in circles, confusing my sense of balance. As the world tilted on its axis and I tried to regain my bearings, he silently left the room.

For a few minutes, I stood rooted to the spot, attempting to recover from the encounter and craving more from my mystery kisser. Blushing from my response to him, I knew although I never saw his face, I would have made love to him if he asked. Before him, no one in twenty-nine years made my body burn that way.

Suddenly, I remembered the room’s two floor lamps. I floundered around the room until I smacked into one. After finding our coats, I left the synagogue with Missy.

Ending the evening of my twenty-ninth birthday with a kiss from my mysterious suitor should have thrilled me. Instead, I wondered why he (as drunk as I was, I was pretty sure I would have noticed if it was a woman) didn’t unmask his identity.

Was he married?

Self-conscious?

Fifteen or eighty-five years old?

Or even worse, embarrassed to be discovered kissing me?  

A Year to Remember buy link for Amazon Kindle

Two years ago, Letting Go, my very first published novel, came out. I remember when I read that first email from Siren asking me to rewrite it in third person. (You thought I was going to say it was an acceptance letter. Ha! It wasn't a rejection letter, and that was all that mattered.) It had originally been written in first person from Sabrina's point of view. They wanted me to add some scenes from Jonas's point of view. I remember staring at the screen, thinking, "It's her story. Should I make the changes?"

It didn't take very long for that thought to morph into "How hard could that be?" The request was phrased in a very positive and encouraging way. They loved the story, but their house style demanded some changes. I thought about it for about a day, and then I sat down and began rewriting my story from the beginning. You might think all I had to do was change the pronouns, and you'd be wrong. I learned a lot about how point of view affects the kinds and tenses of verbs you can use and the kinds of observations a character can make. Sabrina was originally one intuitive woman. I tried to bring that out in the rewrite.  In the end, I thought it was a strong story. Personally, I still prefer it in first person, even though I do like the addition of the scenes from Jonas's viewpoint. When the rights revert to me, I plan to make some changes, expand the ending, but I'm on the fence about changing it back to the first person point of view.

I sent it back within three weeks -- did I mention that I'm a workaholic? -- and I had an offer for publication within two weeks. Ironically, I got the offer from Siren the same day I got a rejection from another publisher.  I was told to expect an April 2010 publication date. They sent my first round of edits in late December. I whizzed through them, only banging my head against the wall a few times, and Siren asked if I wanted to move my date up to February 2010. I wasn't going to refuse!

I was so excited. The day they sent my cover, I couldn't stop staring at my computer. It's one of Jinger Heaston's best.

Amazon Buy Link       BookStrand Buy Link

Readers have said some really nice things about this book, both in the reader reviews (see Amazon and My Earnest Reviews at BookStrand) and in letters they've written to me. At first I thought they were being nice, but then I realized that people who review don't pull their punches. Some of my other books weren't as well-received, so that underscores how much people liked this one.

What did I learn from this experience? Many things. I'll share a few:

1.  Siren is about the best place for a new author to start out. They are so supportive, and the author's group is just bursting with experienced authors who answer questions and cheer for you. I've made some strong connections and some good friends.

2. Promotions is a difficult undertaking because there's no proven or effective way to do it. I stopped wasting my time doing promotions. Now I just write. I may appear at another blog or do a radio show, but that's more for personal enjoyment. Plus, I got to talk to Tymber Dalton on the phone. How cool is that? Even my mother is a fan. (BTW- my mother's favorite book of mine is Irrepressible Force.)

3. People really, really, really connect with Sabrina. That makes me happy because she's a lot like me, and I like to be liked. (Who doesn't?) Almost all the letters I get are about Letting Go. Some people tell me they enjoyed it. Others share personal stories. Many ask me to write a sequel.

During the spring of 2011, I didn't have any works in progress. I sat back and took stock of the ten novels I'd published. Some things I'm proud of. Some, not so much.  I promised myself that I would only put out stories I loved from that point forward. I wrote a lot over that summer -- 3 novellas and a full-length novel -- and I loved each of them. Yes, Justin and By My Side have already been released. Out of My League will come out Feb 21st, and Re/Bound is scheduled for spring. Loose Id tells me it'll be part of the Men of Mystery Special Collection. I've always wanted to be part of a collection.

When I first put down my reflections on Letting Go, I tried to say that I couldn't write a 5th Awakenings novel because each attempt I made fell flat, so I let it go. It wasn't meant to be. However, since then, I've begun the 5th Awakenings book. I have about 24% written, and I have so many of the rest of the scenes playing through my head, begging to be written down. Part of what made it easier is embracing my decisions to focus on BDSM and to not force a story.  This one is titled Ana's Choice. Anastasia Morozov (sister of Lex and Stef from Two Masters) is home for good, and she's set her sights on exploring her submissive side. Who better to guide her in that life path than Stephen Galen, the object of her teenage crush?

Ana's Choice marks a new direction in the series, and I now have vague ideas for a 6th and 7th novel. These won't come out as close together as the first four because I'm also continuing the Oasis series, and I'm working on a companion novel for my BDSM romantic suspense novel, Re/Bound. 

Questions for you:

1.  What was your favorite Awakenings moment?

2.  Who would you like to see get the next Awakenings novel?

Ringing In the New Year with D.H. Starr

Resolutions

I experience a mixture of emotions when I think of that word. On the one hand, I think it’s great there’s a time of year when people reflect on themselves and think about what they can do to improve their lives in some way. On the other hand, it seems like a limiting event which can lead to disappointment. Why is it only at the beginning of a new year that a mass process of goal setting takes place? Why aren’t we actively attempting to improve our lives and setting benchmarks along the way to measure our progress?

When I talk to people or read their resolutions on Facebook and other places, I notice a trend of highly specific or overly general goals. The more specific ones, like quitting a bad habit, are usually tied to an underlying condition which is leading to the behavior. If that underlying condition isn’t dealt with, most people don’t achieve their resolution. On the flip side, general goals like treating others nicely or being a better person are so vague they can easily be pushed aside because there’s nothing tangible to grab onto as a measure of growth and progress.

Out of curiosity, I looked up the top 10 New Year’s resolutions and here is what I found.

1) Spend more time with friends and family

2) Work out

3) Lose weight

4) Quit smoking

5) Enjoy life more

6) Quit drinking

7) Get out of debt

Learn something new

9) Help others

10) Get organized.

Of these resolutions, the first is the only one which seems to be specific enough to concretely measure, but broad enough to be incorporated into several steps along the way. For instance, you may create a calendar for yourself and begin to reach out to friends and plan various events. Maybe you like to cook, so you work in a dinner party. Maybe you like the theater and invite a friend to purchase tickets with you. Maybe you do something even more involved like set up a weekly family night. The point is, you can track how much time you are spending with family and friends, but you can also take several steps along the way toward achieving that goal so it becomes a natural part of your “lifestyle.”

When reflecting on my own life, I believe I don’t have a good balance between attending to my personal and professional goals. Specifically, I am so focused on the professional that I have allowed it to hamper my social life in ways that leave me feeling unsatisfied and a bit lonely. I could say I’d like to find a boyfriend or add going to the gym to my routine. Perhaps I could carve out regular time for my writing. On the flipside, I could simply say I want to have a better balance in my life. That is what I want, but it’s so general that I wouldn’t know where to start and would probably give up right away. While each idea is a step in the right direction, none of them, on their own, seem to address the overarching issue which has continually popped into my head…I’m not paying attention to the whole me.

So how can I find the right combination of broad and specific? What are the patterns in my life which have become too comfortable and easy? For me, it comes down to thinking about where I am, where I want to be, prioritizing, and mapping out a plan. Right now my career is taking up the majority of my life and I’m so tired and spent by the end of the day that I don’t have the energy to work out or write. I’m single and while I have great family and friends. I don’t want to build a “life” with them the way I want to build a life with a partner. So by New Year’s Eve 2012, I want to see that I’ve worked time into my life routines for working out, dating, attending to hobbies like cooking, and making sure I honor my characters and readers by writing every day. So for me, it’s about listing what I have and what I want, ordering them from most to least important, and planning steps along the way so my patterns change.

As you think about your resolutions and goals, try to see if they are too specific and daunting or too vague and elusive. Look at where you want to be in the coming year, and plan steps you know you can achieve. Celebrate small successes and know that we are all struggling with bettering ourselves so you’re not alone.

I wish you the greatest of luck and please check in with me to give me a nudge and encouragement on reaching my goals this coming year. I’ll be thinking of you too!

Check out Feed, Prey, Love at http://ai-press.net/

DH Starr is an author of gay erotic romance and LGBT young adult fiction. A hopeful romantic at heart, he thrives on creating characters who struggle and suffer as they work their way towards self-discovery and happiness. He’s been told by some readers that his tendency to torture his characters makes them want to kill him while reading, but they are relieved and happy by the end. You can learn more about DH Starr and his books by visiting his website at www.dhstarr.com or on his blog, www.dhstarr.blogspot.com.

What are your resolutions for the New Year?